Girl Juice

Posted April 2, 2023

…Well, two days late, but better late than never I suppose.

It doesn’t take a genius to guess that I’m a transgender woman, just by taking a cursory glance at my main site page. I’ve been out publicly for quite some time now, and being a mad scientist, I’m often asked something along the lines of “did you make your own HRT?”

Now, this question is almost never in bad faith, surely. I have plenty of trans colleagues who have experimented with new methods of gender transition (to some miraculous results!), so it’s not exactly that much of an unwarranted question either, albeit a little invasive.

Luckily, invasiveness has never stopped me before!

To get the disappointment out of the way first: no, I did not science my way into becoming a cute girl. That doesn’t mean I didn’t try, though.

I came out for the first time back in university —in my first year, I believe?— to overwhelming support from my peers. I was overjoyed! How amazing it was to be in a community that accepted me for who I truly am! My partner at the time, in particular, was fully supportive of me seeking a medical transition if I chose to.

But I wanted something a little different.

To be blunt, I was terrified of transitioning medically. Changing my name and the way I dressed were both very simple, very controllable pieces of my transition (relatively speaking). HRT was an entirely different beast. A total toss-up of the genetic grab-bag, what if I hated the results? What if I ended up with a body that felt even more alienating than what I started out with? What if this was all just a huge mistake?

I avoided even thinking about a medical transition for quite some time. Plenty of transgender people don’t pursue surgery or HRT at all, and they can still feel completely happy in their own skin, but deep down I knew that I couldn’t feel truly fulfilled with the body I had then.

I needed a body that felt more like home, but I didn’t want to leave anything up to chance. No, I needed full control of the results.

So, I did what any first year Mad Science major who vastly overestimated their own skills would do: I went into my shitty little makeshift lab and tried to brute-force it with nothing but second-hand equipment and a lot of hope.

For any younger scientists who may be thinking about doing their own transition without any experience or training: Don’t! :) I poisoned myself within two days.

I’m not sure what ungodly mixture of chemicals I drank, but it yielded no results other than landing me in the hospital for a while.

My at-the-time partner kept me company during my hospital stay (she was a very kind person like that). While she was accustomed to the lack of safety associated with my studies, this was the first time I had ever hurt myself this much. Considering the amount of rayguns and murder-robots us Mad Science majors were exposed to on a daily basis, it’s a wonder how I never got my head blown off. Naturally, she asked what exactly I was experimenting with that poisoned me.

Exhausted, in pain, and generally miserable, I responded with two words: “girl juice.”

She helped me make an appointment at a local trans-friendly clinic the second I got out of the hospital.

Now, after roughly a decade on HRT, I’m infinitely more comfortable in my own skin. My body is not perfect, yes, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world ♡ However, getting some wings or fun swirly pupils would’ve been pretty sick, and you just can’t get those results through traditional routes. Maybe some day…

Of course I’ve thought about attempting the experiment again, but this is something that requires…consenting and living test subjects. Not exactly something I have easy access to.

I suppose it bears repeating: If you’re early on in your mad science journey, do not use yourself as your own test subject! Your homemade trans juice will turn out to be hazardous to the human body, no matter how well you did in your Intro to Mad Biology class last semester. If you’re truly committed to doing your own transition, at least wait until you have more experience. Or, you know, steal another student’s gender serum. I’m not your mom.

Stay safe and stay curious!

- Dr. Diamond